Cliche: “You must have lots of time on your hands to defend the police.”





I am obviously a prolific writer keenly interested in learning as much as I can about the subjects I am interested in and then expressing my views thereupon.

That is, researching subjects and expressing my opinion is my vocation. Yet I am occasionally presented with the cliché, “You must have a lot of time on your hands,” when I logically contest a proposition put forward. That is meant to imply that I am not engaged in a legitimate i.e. personally profitable pursuit.

For example, an international attorney who has taken up liberalism with a vengeance after the election of Donald Trump to the Presidency posted a video on Facebook of police officers removing a cursing young woman from a subway. Apparently she had put her feet up on another seat of the relatively crowded subway car. She appeared to be refusing their commands and resisting arrest.

The indignant attorney, who has in the past served some time as a municipal judge, claimed that putting feet up on subway car seats is not an arrestable offense, and that the First Amendment right to free speech had been violated. One of his followers chimed in with outrage at an alleged abuse of the police power, although it was exercised rather minimally, just enough to get her off the train.

The rest of his followers agreed with the forceful removal of the foulmouthed woman from the train, and one viewer hoped she had learned a lesson. Another pointed out that we did not see what happened before the video was taken by a person questioning the conduct of the police and demanding badge numbers.

I remarked that the police action was proper. Furthermore, I said that I rode the New York City subways for decades, remembered the Bernhard Goetz incident, and why he had been moved to take the law into his own hands, as vigilantes are wont to do when the police power is dysfunctional.

Putting feet on subway seats happens to be an arrestable misdemeanor albeit the law is controversial, so I posted a New York Times article to that effect. To that the attorney said other issues were involved, yet he refrained, when asked, from identifying them.

He did not respond when asked whether or not the woman was detained and released, or taken to the police station and booked.

I declared that a lawyer should inquire into all the facts before presenting a case, and should not be unduly prejudiced by ideological preferences. I observed that if he knew the history of law enforcement on the subway system, as I did from personal experience, he would understand the reason people might be removed from trains or arrested for misdemeanor conduct. He perceived that remark as a personal insult.

He deleted my comments, and came after me in the Messenger facility, apparently not wanting the verdict of his jury of followers.  He said I must have a lot of time on my hands, and that he did not have such time, and that I did not know when to stop.

I responded that I had ample time to seek the truth and state my opinions. As a matter of fact, I had invested no more than five minutes in making those few brief comments. He has time to posting political subjects on his “news” feed, and to hover over commentary, responding immediately to comments as if he were being rated by Facebook, as some accounts are.

He mentioned President Trump, whom I said was irrelevant, as was the reference to free speech, for the woman had spoken freely with fighting words, and had a right to suffer the consequences.

I said I thought it contradictory that he would delete my comments when he was arguing for a right to free speech, to which he said he had a perfect right to do on Facebook.

It was obviously his own free speech he was concerned with, that there would be no consequences or “arrests” of his argument. Of course he can delete at will, but I informed him I had learned from several lawyers to tolerate critical commentary, and sometimes I love it when it is ridiculous. He claimed I was “hard not to delete.”

He said I did not know whether he rode the subways as I had. I said I did know because I had collected a file on him and knew that his background did not include decades in New York City or time when transit law enforcement was pathetic.

He felt threatened that I said I had a “file” on him, and I explained that I had accumulated information about him before I came to his defense when he was sitting as a magistrate and city officials interfered with his independence. My coverage of that issue was influential.

The time I expended was about forty hours, pro bono, and well worthwhile since I believed justice was served in that matter. In this matter I believe he was mistaken.

Another cliché he resorted to was, “Get over yourself,” which I informed him was his own projection. “You must have a lot of time on your hands” I have heard several times, almost always when I disagree with someone who believes they have a license on truth.

He knows I am a journalist. I thanked him for the interview and the quotes, which I have not directly quoted here. He deleted the entirety of his post. Case voluntarily dismissed.

Perhaps this record will be useful. Normally reasonable people are losing their heads and jumping to conclusions. It is time to take more time thinking.


Miami Beach

January 28, 2018

I Don’t Want No Gun




I don’t want no gun because I am afraid of myself, that I might kill somebody.

I have what is known as an Irish temper. I was born in the year of the rooster, however, and I tend to back down after I shoot my mouth off. That is, my bark is worse than my bite. If that bark were the sound of a gun because I pulled the trigger, I would regret the consequences even more than my long history of other mistakes. History for me is by definition a mistake, and I don’t want to make it worse.

I am a liberal thinker, but I am a conservative actor and a friend of the police. That is not to say that I appreciate them all.

Civilization is a veneer, and my personal mask is rather thin. One never knows what he might do in certain situations that he has not experienced before. I could jump the gun.

I have had opportunities to defend myself by killing someone who threatened my life, and I refrained. Fortunately, such a defense was unnecessary, and I survived by overpowering my assailants.

I believe I would, but I do not know if I would kill someone in self-defense or kill someone for hurting or threatening to harm my loved ones, including my countrymen whom I love at a distance, or human beings in general since I am one of them. My dad used to say that he who loves everybody loves nobody.

As far as theory goes I am a limited pacifist. I believe there are extreme cases where war is justified. I disagree with Martyrs for Love, that it is better to die from injustice than to violently defend oneself.

History teaches me that violence may be necessary for the moral improvement of the race.

I believe the motive for the Second Amendment guaranteed people the right to bear arms against the existing police power, at that time the British police power, and to establish armories where arms could be kept in the event they were needed for the defense of communities. Very few individuals carried guns in settled communities.

So yes I believe that arms should be available including heavy arms in the event the police power is being abused and needs to be overthrown to protect the people from tyranny.

The recent shootings of police officers in retaliation for shooting of civilians by other officers does not suit my theory. The misdeeds or mistakes of a few should not condemn the entirety.

And we should be careful in the very beginning to distinguish between an intentional misdeed an a stupid mistake or involuntary harm. It behooves us to gather together to examine the evidence and reason upon it instead of seeking immediate revenge.

I do confess that if my loved ones were killed I would naturally want revenge right away.

And I must add that I would want revenge against the particular person who did the harm and not against innocent people of that person’s status or class, or his family or tribe as if feuding were the law of the land.

A classic sense of justice would deem it wrong to go into a school and shoot anyone other than the bully who offended me. Likewise it would be unjust for me to shoot any police officers other than the ones that committed the offense.

Yes, I can imagine myself lying in wait for a police officer who killed a loved one so that I could torture and execute him. However my imagination would also include the grief of his family upon his pain and death. I pray that that would deter me. Only barbarians would harm a man’s entire family for a personal offense.

Again, civilization is a veneer; we have vestiges of barbarism throughout the world today that could plunge it into chaos.

Now turning to the recent to police shootings that have spawned outrage throughout the nation, and retaliation against police officers who were not even involved in the shootings, I pray that everyone should stand back and consider all of the evidence as well as the psychology of the officers in their situations and reason upon it at length.

I assume first of all the best; therefore, for the sake of argument I propose that the shooting of the man in the car stopped for a broken light was a mistake due to CONFUSION. That is, due to the officer’s perception of the weapon referred to by the deceased after he was asked to present his drivers license. When he reached for it, the officer did not stop to consider the matter because he perceived the gentleman was going for a gun.

To say that it was just a traffic stop does not take into account the fact that police officers are regularly maimed and murdered after stopping people for traffic violations.

In other words I presume the officer is innocent of murder and racism until there is proof otherwise beyond a reasonable doubt.

Of course we expected the officer not to shoot until he actually saw a gun, but we should remember that the time from the sight of the gun to a bullet entering our heart can be a matter of one second.

As for the man shot point-blank when he was being restrained on the ground, that seems to me to be an unnecessary use of deadly force even though a witness testifying against the police officer said the victim had a gun in his back pocket.

Even so I would withhold judgment until all of the evidence is collected and reasoned on. If the man were my brother, I do not believe that I would stalk the officer who shot him in order to kill him, if my barbarous instinct motivated me to do so, because the fact that my brother was carrying a gun and that he was on parole gives me cause to think that he who carries a gun is more likely to be shot.

Now the man who assaulted officers in Dallas, killing five of them and wounding others, said he did that in retaliation for the two police shootings.

He had armed himself, however, long before those shootings occurred, and it occurs to me that he was of a disposition that we call “looking for an excuse to immediately kill somebody.”

His hatred of himself and resentment of society was displaced on white people and police officers. It might have been displaced on other convenient scapegoats, to the purpose of acting out his rage.

No, this is not the time for a race war or any kind of war. As always, if we would maintain civilization and progress we must listen to reason, which is the name of a social process that no particular person owns alone.

If it be fundamentally true that we live by illusions and fictions let them be the best ones grounded on our finer instincts.

One voice of reason I believe should be heeded Is that of our reasonable professor of constitutional law, Barack Obama, the President of the United States, who is by nature between black and white thinking.

Yes, what he says is propaganda, but remember that his propaganda on this occasion is true to our ideals and well being

I might change my mind if things get really bad. Right now, no thank you, I don’t want no gun.

David Arthur Walters

Miami Beach

South Beach Lucky Numbers Halloween Crash



“Both numbers are lucky.”

3 November 2015

By David Arthur Walters MIAMI MIRROR

A 2007 Audi in which two women were fist-fighting crashed into the 7-Eleven at 9th Street on Washington Avenue in South Beach at 5 a.m. last Friday, taking out two pillars and bursting into flames. One woman fled the scene after she and her companion were pulled from the car by Good Samaritans.

Little did the astonished witnesses at Pizza Rustica across the street know that the sidewalk café at which they were sitting was illegally situated right on the corner, jutting out in such a way to traffic crossing Washington Avenue that it especially jeopardizes the lives and limbs of pizza lovers.

A complaint about the precarious pizza corner was lodged with the city’s code enforcement department. Hernan Cardeno, Esq., the department’s director, said nothing could be done about the clear violation because the city manager had rendered it legal by permitting it.

CRASH Permitting IT

The City of Miami Beach has a strong city manager, weak mayor form of government. City managers may with impunity act as virtual dictators, placing themselves above the law ordained by the political body, the city commission. Jimmy Morales, Esq., the current city manager, however, is subject to the dictates of Mayor Philip Levine, who is a de facto strong mayor by virtue of a so-called purchased majority on the commission and a city manager subservient to his dictates.

For example, for last New Year’s Eve celebration on Espanola Way, Jimmy Morales waived the requirements for the special event permit ordinance designed to protect the public although the ordinance does not provide for such a waiver. One of the restaurant owners, whose request for a special event permit had been denied as submitted too late, had for some time insisted that code officers enforce the code equally for all restaurants on the street, including two other restaurants that had applied for permits; those two businesses were eventually favored by the waiver of all special event permit requirements. The troublemaker’s landlord, Scott Robins, who owns the buildings along one side of Espanola Way, and who is a partner and close friend of the mayor, brought a retaliatory eviction suit against the tenant as a result of his persistent insistence on equal enforcement of the laws. The city manager allowed the celebration to proceed without permits as an answer to the complainant, so he would know who is boss of the city. Such retaliatory behavior favors competitors who are friends with officials and/or are obedient to the whim and caprice of the powers that be. Yet the county ethics commission took the officials’ prevarications for granted without asking the complainant for a response, and dismissed the ethics complaint he had made.

Since Major Levine and his faux reform majority seized control over the city largely for the benefit of contributing vendors and real estate developers, South Beach seems to be returning to the Wild West days that the police department had managed to considerably dampen. Top police brass were gotten rid of and outsiders wheeled in. The public request for the hiring of a city manager from outside the area, however, was ignored, and Jimmy Morales, a political insider and home boy, was shoed in despite the recommendations of a professional recruiting firm. The newbies brought in to head the police department are naturally compliant with the wishes of the local political force, although police departments in theory work for the general public.

The police department responds efficiently and effectively to specific complaints. Proactive enforcement, however, of quality of life ordinances and traffic laws is the bugbear plaguing the city. And neighborhood relations have deteriorated. Some of the new officers are unapproachable, unfriendly, even hostile, and often unfamiliar with the local code of ordinances.

Crime does seem to be rising, at least according to anecdotal reports. Getting statistics on all types of crimes and not only the UCR Part I on major crimes has proven virtually impossible. A high-ranking officer, speaking on condition of anonymity, said that the books are being cooked by the new police chief.

“(Chief Oates) is under reporting crimes. Crime in Miami Beach is out of control, and they’re cooking the books to lie about the real numbers and actual specific crimes.”

Police chiefs and their departments everywhere will always be blamed for whatever goes wrong on the streets. Statistics can always be interpreted two ways. Yet, when a police department refuses to regularly release easily generated reports, as is even done online in some jurisdictions, or neglects to even write reports in some instances, it must have something to hide; either incompetence of misconduct.

However that may be, the community is left waiting for genuine, radical reform. In the interim, expect more arrogance on the part of undisciplined officials, more serious crimes to result from the toleration of minor crimes, more pedestrians maimed and killed.

And expect more cars crashing into storefronts, as at the 7-Eleven on Washington and 9th Street. One of these days a car or truck is bound to careen into that sidewalk café at Rustica Pizza across the street.

CRASH across the street

The owner, a respected lawyer, has set out a couple of planters as barriers. Concrete would be better. Still, that might not do considering that two pillars were knocked down across the street.

“Oh, someday the pizza people will be hit,” said a worker repairing the damage at 7-Eleven, “and the city and the manager will be sued. Seven and eleven are lucky numbers.”

# #

(Related Article)


The Risk to Life and Limb May Be Worth the Profit

23 October 2014

By David Arthur Walters MIAMI MIRROR

CRASH worth the profit

Pizza Rustica sidewalk café corner permitted at 863 Washington Avenue, Miami Beach

CRASH miami city

La Pizzeria de la Lemoni unpermitted sidewalk café corner at 4600 N.E. 2nd, Miami City

News accounts that at least ten people were injured on Saturday the 4th of October by a car crashing into La Pizzeria de Lemoni’s unpermitted sidewalk café at the corner of 46th and Northeast Second Avenue in Miami reminded me that, nearly four years prior, I had pointed out to the Code Compliance Division and the City Manager of the City of Miami Beach that part of Pizza Rustica’s 22-seat sidewalk café was dangerously perched on the corner of 9th and Washington Avenue.

“Rustica seating on corner under umbrella endangers customers,” I reported to Code Compliance in 2010, “impedes the fire department. Miami Beach ordinances mandate 5’ corner and crosswalk leeway, and maximum umbrella height of 6 inches.”

CRASH inches

Image to Code Compliance in 2010

City officials did not respond to my concern, which I posted on Miami Mirror for the benefit of accident victims and their lawyers in the event of a crash. Given my experience as a pedestrian with reckless and sometimes intoxicated drivers, I believe it was only a matter of time until Rustica customers were maimed and perhaps killed while eating their pizza.

Indeed, the traffic has become more and more troublesome since then on the beach, as I duly noted when I walked upon a man killed in broad daylight by a taxi at the intersection in front of the Five Guys Hamburger joint on Washington Avenue.

I contacted Code Compliance again after this month’s accident in Miami, only to be told that the sidewalk café was permitted, period. So their hands were tied.

You see, the city’s strong-manager, weak-mayor form of government provides the city manager, an unelected official, with virtually dictatorial powers provided that he does not alienate a majority of city commissioners, as did former city manager Jorge “Boss” Gonzalez, who was forced out after 14 years on pretexts of corruption and negligence; he insisted that he had bent to the will of commissioners, and that the corruption was rooted with them. He was replaced by Jimmy “Nice Guy” Morales, a political insider with no city management, who was shoed in to the position despite a professional recruitment firm’s recommendations. Mayor “King” Levine, a wealthy public relations mogul and real estate developer supported by the Clintons, purchased his seat and contributed to campaigns in order to obtain a “reform” majority on the commission, which he leads during the honeymoon period. Although Levine is bowed to as the “Great Leader,” City Manager Morales wields considerable dictatorial power. Commissioner Michael “Boy Friday” Grieco, a criminal defense attorney, has stated that the commission almost always follows the city manager’s recommendations “blindly.”

In fine, the theory based on the city charter is that the city manager or his designees may permit sidewalk café arrangements prohibited by the commission’s ordinances because the commission has provided that he can do so. So if he or his designee, say, the director of the public works department, does not prohibit arrangements prohibited by the code, they are permitted. Such exceptions to the rules, permitted by the rules, reminiscent of the sovereign discretion of kings to break the laws because they are divine fonts of law, are said to create corruption honey pots for sticky fingers.

Now the sidewalk café ordinance does provide that the city manager shall immediately correct life safety violations, “defined as those conditions which, in the reasonable determination and judgment of the city manager, involve serious danger and/or risk to the public health, safety or welfare,” and that “the city manager may cause the immediate removal, relocation and/or storage of all or part of a sidewalk cafe in emergency situations or for public safety considerations.”

His judgment and his reason reign supreme unless a majority of part-time, lowly-paid commissioners take exception to it.

City officials did not respond to my thesis that the city’s legislature never intended to establish laws that would endanger the safety and welfare of the public. That intention would obviously belie the very reason for its existence. Any such laws would be null and avoid under a higher constitution. Solomon said not to count on riches in war, so I said the city should not count on having sovereign immunity as per the absurd Trianon decision of the Florida Supreme Court, or on the legislature, or on insurance coverage, if people are maimed and killed due to the intentional negligence of its officials. Even if immune, or covered by insurance, is injury and loss of life worth the profits to Pizza Rustica and the sidewalk café fees to the city? And why would insurance companies underwrite such dangers?

 CRASH dangers

Public safety is the very reason the Miami Beach sidewalk café code specifies that café’s be at least five feet away from corner curb cuts, pedestrian crosswalk signals, fire hydrants, crosswalks and the like. New York City goes even farther to protect cafes from corner accidents, which are quite common: nine feet from the corner is the rule, measured from the outer edge of the sidewalk café to either the curb line or the nearest obstruction.

I was not surprised by silence of public officials, for none of them will speak to be on the record for publication. Press inquiries are referred to Nannette Rodriquez in the Communications Department, and she has little or nothing to say about such embarrassments, especially when pointed out by someone not a member of the city’s handful of approved press organs, and is internally infamous for not suiting the current regime’s need for 100% appreciation of everything it does.

However, a reliable source of information within the city has informed me that there are several situations besides the Rustica corner that are troubling reasonable officials, therefore they are meeting to discuss reasonably what may be reasonably done to prevent the permitting of prohibited arrangements in the future.

That being said, I must splurge on Rustica’s popular pizza this weekend—my current budget after rent is $7 per day. Miami Beach is home to the highly regarded Pizza Rustica franchise operation, and is owned by influential attorney Susan Tiffany, its president and legal counsel.

# #

Shall Be SoBe – The Future of South Beach

Leaning Towers




Prophets in the good old days foresaw corrupt cities leveled to rubble, but now that everyday corruption has been highly organized and mostly legalized, and now that the laws of probability are understood, prophets declare the good old either-or moral issues to be irrelevant or merely relative. Instead of doom they call for the continuance of the dominant trend, albeit somewhat reformed for the sake of progress. In any case where very large numbers are at stake, it is much safer for a prophet today to bet on the probable continuance of business as usual, perchance “upgraded” into novel guises by technology, than to proclaim the imminent doom of the world as we know it.

It is in that positive vein that I prophesy the future of my own neighborhood: the Living End of the City of Miami Beach, also known as South Beach (SOBE). And I prophesize with this prayer, that the god of prophecy does not have false prophets run down by a speed demon driving a tinted-window boom-box on wheels, his brain clouded by booze and dope, and a cell phone glued to his ear.

South Beach as I foresee it shall be divested by the rest of the country and shall go on to do its own thing as usual, but under the rubric The Sanctuary of South Beach, a sovereign protectorate sporting the figure of a pelican and ONCE SAVED ALWAYS FORGIVEN on its Official Seal.

The Sanctuary of South Beach shall be a genuine sanctuary, hence a place beyond the reach of extradition and hopefully beyond the far-flung virtual grasp of self-righteous gods as well, providing that those residents and visitors who want immunity provide a complete criminal record if any to The Sanctuary of South Beach Police Department (motto: LIBERTY IS CHEAP) within ten days after their arrival and have an immunity chip implanted in their necks. And then all past misdemeanors and felonies shall be officially overlooked and unreported to external authorities by The Sanctuary of South Beach Police Department provided that a license and upgrade fee of $500 per year is paid for each immunity chip.

In addition to being immune from the prosecution of all crimes except murder, rape, battery, and grand theft (anything valued over $200,000), the bearers of immunity chips, when they become victims of crimes, shall be entitled to Priority Police Response Service; that is, a call or visit from a police officer within two hours – other victims shall be dealt with on a first-come, first-served basis, but shall in no case have to wait more than ten days for a response. On the whole, The Sanctuary of South Beach Police Department shall do its best to make itself scarce in accordance with the motto set forth at the head of the Charter of The Sanctuary of South Beach: THE BEST GOVERNMENT IS UNSEEN.

There shall be no enforcement of vestigial traffic laws protecting pedestrians. Crosswalks shall be erased and ‘Walk’ signals removed from the traffic-lighting system. Vehicular mayhem and manslaughter of pedestrians shall be no more than a misdemeanor; anyone with a valid immunity chip shall not be prosecuted. However, drivers shall be asked, as a common courtesy, to drag injured or dead victims off the roadways so the bodies shall not damage other people’s cars.

The Charter of The Sanctuary of South Beach shall not provide for elections: all government offices shall be auctioned off to the highest bidders every four years, the proceeds to be set aside in a permanent fund and invested in gold bullion as a hedge against the Apocalypse. The bilingual meetings of the High Commissioners of The Sanctuary of South Beach shall be televised late Saturday nights on its own Spanish-language channel, El Televisión de Jabón – the show, Los Padrinos del Santuario, shall be enormously popular among Cuban-American Hebrews.

As for gods and guilt, absolution from sins can be purchased just before Midnight Salsa Mass, which shall be held each night at the Universal Church of the Naked Madonna, Our Lady of Nudity, on Lincoln Road Mall. The godhead of the Universal Church of the Naked Madonna shall take the earthly form of a dual incarnation – Christ and Christina carnally entwined as the Tree of Life. The religious of all denominations shall be welcome. Refreshments, including Sparkling Red Dragon Wine and Aunt Jamaica Brownies shall be served during Midnight Mass (donation: $200).  Rose-tinted SOBE Sunglasses and SOBE Sound-Dampening Earmuffs may be purchased at the Naked Madonna Gift Store. Nude models shall pose for students at the Madonna Art Academy in the New West Wing of the church.

Also available for purchase at the Church and every other licensed institution shall be SHALLOWME, a potion based on a synthetic designer drug patented by the Sanctuary of South Beach. SHALLOWME shall be readily absorbed by the skin, sinuses, and stomach. SHALLOWME shall stimulate the appetite for food, alcohol and sex, eventually rendering the person ecstatic if not tranquil. SHALLOWME shall have a slighter effect when worn or inhaled than when imbibed. Free samples shall be available on Saturday nights when entering the Cloud Nine Club located in the basement of the Church. The only known side effect of SHALLOWME shall be sleepwalking, sleep-driving, and sleeping-sex.

For those religious folks who may be offended by the services offered by the Church of the Naked Madonna, multiple-denominational worship of Power shall be conducted at the Temple of Abominations. Power-drinking rites shall be conducted every Sabbath. A shooting gallery and opium den shall make religion easy for conservative drug users with implanted immunity chips. A large library of pornographic films and other erotica shall be available for viewing with impunity. The Temple’s prostitutes shall be renowned for their beauty and grace – all shall carry health certificates and shall have postgraduate degrees in the performing arts.

Tennis fans and players with a valid immunity chip shall receive two free quarts of SHALLBE BEER and one free joint of SHALLBE WEED at Flamingo Park’s Annual Marijuana Matches.

Dog lovers with a valid immunity chip may allow their dogs to run free and may leave dog waste without limit in parks and on sidewalks.

The world-class party hotels of The Sanctuary of South Beach shall be acclaimed the world over. The hotel gambling casinos shall be open to immunity chip implantees only. The best hotels shall be, as the old-timers used to say, “out of this world.” Prices shall start at $2,000 per night per person.

For instance, Hotel del Chupacabras shall cater to the goat-loving, blood-sucking set – cannibals and ghouls shall also be welcome – human blood including the blood of virgins shall be served depending on availability.

Another favorite hospitality facility shall be the Hotel Kasbah. Middle Eastern fare shall be served in the Kasbah’s restaurant and nightclub – Que Alegria – along with three vials of amyl nitrate or ten minutes of nitrous oxide per guest. Belly dancers shall be featured during the dinner hours every night of the week. Flexible tubes with dispensable mouthpieces that pull out of the wall shall be available in the rooms of those guests who wish to partake of flavors of the day coming from the central hookah – Lesbian Lavender, special hashish from Lebanon, shall be the flavor on Fairy Thursday, the Kasbah’s Official Gay Day.

Hotel Hip Hop and its White Trash Club & Tattoo Parlor, established in 2040 by Rapper Rick Ross, shall be the hottest hole on the beach – members of The Wiggers of America shall receive a ten-percent discount on all purchases. Hotel Hip Hop shall sponsor The Annual Bare Buns Contest for The World’s Most Beautiful Buns – the male and female divisions shall be subdivided into Vanilla, Chocolate, Caramel, and Cinnamon classes. Among other events throughout the year, a beauty contest featuring the most beautiful bikinied pregnant women in SOBE shall be held every Mother’s Day.

Call girls and gigolos who ply their trade within the pale of sanctuary limits shall be licensed by The Sanctuary of South Beach and referred to visitors by the City Manager’s office. The license fee shall be $ 2,000 per annum and shall include weekly health certification. All amounts charged for services rendered shall be paid directly to the Treasurer of the Sanctuary of South Beach, from which a management tax of forty percent of gross income shall be deducted before remittance to the service providers.

Hustlers and panhandlers have always been a big tourist attraction in South Beach. Panhandlers and homeless people of the Sanctuary of South Beach shall be members of the Homeless Actors Guild and shall be licensed by The Sanctuary of South Beach. Seven facilities operated by Homeless Hostels of South Beach shall provide a number of cots or beach mats to visitors who want to experience homeless life firsthand, either within shelters or in nightly outings including dumpster tours down SOBE’s luxurious alleys. Rates shall begin at $300 per night per person and shall include a 2 oz. vial of SHALLOWME cologne or perfume and two jumbo Seaweeder cheeseburgers per day at Homeless Burger.

As for low-cost housing, all hotels, apartment buildings, condominiums and coops shall be required to set aside ten percent of total floor space for low-cost housing, for which low-cost tenants or owners shall only have to pay a total of $1,000 per month for studio habitation – add $500 per month for each bed room.

Much more shall be prophesized for South Beach in the near future, but suffice it to conclude here that, in sum, Shall Be SOBE shall be the place to be.

The Living End

Miami Beach, June 28, 2010