The Kiss & Grab Protocol

 

THE KISS & GRAB PROTOCOL
 
BY
 
DAVID ARTHUR WALTERS
 
 
 
The Kiss & Grab Protocol for seducing a prospective sexual partner seems to have become universally deplorable given the comments I have read since Donald Trump’s vulgar confession to his escapades, captured on a hot mic back in 2005. To kiss and grab a girl is apparently an assault today no matter when it occurred.
 
I think he was just bragging about conquests that may have not happened, as mentally arrested men are wont to do in private, but perhaps one-hundred women will soon come forward to have their picture taken together as his victims. I believe he thought his comments were private, so there is the possibility that Billy Bush committed a civil and criminal violation of wiretap law.
 
But that is beside the point. The point is, What protocol is proper for advancing our sexual cause?
 
I am an old man now so maybe things have changed since I was in the Fifth Grade, when Kiss & Grab was the primitive boyhood ritual for want of a different education for getting serious with girls.
 
I fell in love with Anne, and kissed her in they alley on the way home from school. That was the greatest thrill of my life up to that moment, and I did not think of grabbing her.
 
A week later, Karen was hanging upside down in the schoolyard from a jungle gym bar, and I unwittingly grabbed her, in the wrong place, I learned, for I got a dozen whacks with the heavy paddle with holes in it. I figured that a kiss should precede a grab to make sure the object of affection is willing.
 
Well, that was the beginning of my career with the Kiss & Grab Protocol. I did not believe that “No” meant “Yes” with one or the other move. I did discovered that the negative could be changed into an affirmative with some gentle persuasion. If not, I backed off.
 
Some ladies even took the initiative, especially in the District of Columbia. Some employed the Kiss & Grab Protocol, while others used a different approach.
 
By the way, I never laid a hand on an English woman because I was told that the protocol involved nine steps in a certain order.
 
Now I wonder, What is the best procedure for initiating the propagation of the species?
 
Should not that procedure be demonstrated and lectured on in all grammar schools, perhaps by way of films?
 
 

XYX

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