What Every True Conservative Wants the Most


Graphic by Darwin Leon


A true conservative always wants his mama and should just say so.

It is very difficult for a professor of politics to be honest with himself let alone his students. That is especially true for a conservative such as myself. In fact, whether one thinks he is a liberal or a conservative, it is politically incorrect to tell the truth about the motives for one stance or the other. Instead, to keep up the distinction between the two political positions, he must lie through his teeth on a daily basis.

Nevertheless, regardless of the political exigencies that require constant deception, I think it is a good idea to try to keep in touch with our true nature on a regular basis. I shall set aside a half-hour on each Monday, the day devoted to the Moon, to telling the truth about my political orientation regardless of its sexual implications.

I am a conservative. What I really want is my Mama. I want to go back to her womb. I am afraid to say so because of the prejudice against incest. But my incestuous urge is towards the cosmic Mama that all mothers represent in their original virginity.

My Mama is pure and unstained by the sorry progress of this filthy world. My birth mother did her best to provide me with a good upbringing according to her favorite maxim, “Cleanliness is Godliness,” but she was unable to rid the world of the filth of progress.

I want my cosmic Mama. There is no dirt in her. She is black. Her womb is absolute space, devoid of dirty details, of mere light and dirt and eyes to see it. Mama owns absolute space, the infinite void: her essence is absolutely a priori.

I must say that progress is disgusting. As far as I am concerned, progress is just another concept proving liberals have managed to delude themselves. The vulgar perceptions of creation and the ridiculous concepts that follow are delusory, manifestations of mass hysteria, organized narcissism, and common ignorance of reality.

Progress is cowardice, an excuse for running away from Mama, a perverse denial of the instinctive will to regress to the womb of Mama. Liberals who say they love change are self-deluded; their change is relative; change is nothing without something to change against, without a background. The background is Mama, and the struggle against her is futile because the struggle amounts to and results in nothing.

Instead of running away from Mama, we should run to her. She will take perfect care of us. Our so-called liberty is merely a figment of an imagination we do not really own. Only in lying disobedience to Mama are we free individuals. We are going to learn our lesson soon enough: liberty is a delusion in the long run. Therefore, why waste our time running around like fools when we can run to Mama? That is what I really want to do, but I have been afraid to admit it because of the conservative code of silence, the big lie. But from this day forward I shall speak out every Moon Day in different places around the illusory world. I shall speak the truth as a conservative:

I want my Mama.

Aardy Aaardvark, Phd. Professor of Politics Vaard University


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